trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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