I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
