His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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