I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
