I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize