i jhust puked up my retainher.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm just crazy horny about you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
