This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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