SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
