Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
