I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
