I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
