Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
