So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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