I can feel you judging me through the phone.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
