sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
false alarm, still single
Randomize
