Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
