The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
