a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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