im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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