i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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