the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
