I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
