apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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