ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
