I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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