Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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