If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
