This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And then he peed in my hair
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