I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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