True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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