You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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