the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
