I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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