apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
