i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
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I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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