OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
