Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
