Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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