these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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