Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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