R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
