the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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