I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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