I'm pants shitting drunk right now
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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