How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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