This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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