somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
