I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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