So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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