My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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