If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did