guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.