Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time