somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
