I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
