Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she pinky promised me she was 18
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
