I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
