I'm eating all of the evidence.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
