I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
