ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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