Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
