I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
