you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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