Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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