It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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